Friday, August 5, 2011

PCOS and a little thing called trust

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5

I went to the Dr.’s office expecting a blood glucose test. I walked out with racing thoughts and a heart heavy with sadness and fear. I was about to be married in less than a month. I had planned on finished school soon after and then without further adieu, multiply our family. This was my dream. Not a big house. Not a fancy car. A family. A loving, supportive, Christian family who is contented in daily vocations. The Dr’s voice was sharp and quick. I nodded trying to go over the words- put meaning to her phrases. She walked out of the room. I was composed. It hadn’t hit me.

“If you were any older I’d schedule you for a hysterectomy now.” She said as if she were telling me the sky was blue.

In the cold medical white room I was left to think “PCOS? What did she say that stood for? Ahh, yes. Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Doesn’t sound that bad…. Really? A hysterectomy? But. Wait. I want kids. I’m only 21 years old. I want to be a mom. This isn’t right. I’m just getting ready to start my family. This….sounds…….

She came back in long enough to tell me she wrote me a script that will help with both PCOS and Pre-Diabetes and sent me on my merry little way.

At this moment I was far from being a mom. Ha, at this moment I was left to think I would never be a mom. But, all the same this is what a mom-up moment is comprised of. Heart break and determination, that and a little trust. I asked for a pamphlet on PCOS and she told me to “Google it, we can’t just keep pamphlets on everything.” I swallowed deep and called my fiance.

We had a wedding planned. Invitations were out and RSVP’s were in. “Do you… do you still wanna marry me?” I asked later knowing the plans for our future together had assuredly included becoming pregnant. silence. It was a lot to take in. It was a big question. It deserve consideration. “Of course I want to marry you” his voice calmly, quietly stated.

Cue water works.

I was put immediately on a birth control pill to encourage regular cycles. The Metformin made me so sick I could hardly work. I was nauseous, dizzy when upright and achy everywhere. To say the least I was not my happy, get’ R done ole self. After a while my body got used to the pills and I actually found that I was happier on them. My blood sugar kept level and I didn’t need to eat every couple of hours. I remember before being on Metformin how hard even going out with my friends was. I needed to know when we would be eating and how often. I felt awkward about asking about the food schedule but my friends knew it was just part of me. Now I feel 180 degree better! I’m so glad I kept taking the medication.

We were married about a year when I had a miscarriage. We didn’t even know we were pregnant. i had been on an antibiotic which cause the birth control to weaken in efficiency. I felt like I had killed our child. WEe decided to get off of the birth control pill. I was about to graduate in a few months and I hated being on the pill now more than ever.

We became pregnant that month! Thanks be to God!

Now that Our lovely son is a year old we have been anticipating another pregnancy. Our friends are pregnant, our son sleeps through the night, and hey, we’re moving again- timing seems perfect! hahaha. I’m writing you now one week after another doctors appointment. Only this time the doctor is a beloved and trusted man whom backed his gentle words with explanation and compassion. The PCOS is the reason we’re having a “difficult time”. I was afraid to up my Metformin doses because of how sick it had made me to start it. A week later I’m feeling fine physically, my body is already used to the drug so it’s not hitting my as hard as it did at first. Dear doctor didn’t give me a reproductive death sentence. He’s determined to work closely with my husband and I to get me healthy. He in fact never mentioned the possibility of not having more children.

I know it is the Lord who gave us our son and it will be the Lord who decides to bless us with children in the future, through pregnancy, adoption, or fostering. I also know that there are women and families that have it hard than this. Really, in the spectrum of health problems PCOS is not the worst case scenario type of syndrome. For someone who’s goal it was and is to have children it’s a bit discouraging. Then again. It was the Lord to healed the sick and made the blind to see. As it turns out I do have a loving, supportive, Christian family who is contented in daily vocations. We will see what unfolds before us. We never expected to be here, now and we probably cannot expect too much that will actually happen. Besides the fact that we are and will always be in the loving and protective hands of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

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